


teach me how to say goodbye

by ohmytheon



Series: daemons and alchemy [15]
Category: Fullmetal Alchemist - All Media Types, Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood & Manga
Genre: Alternate Universe - Daemons, Alternate Universe - His Dark Materials Fusion, Canon Era, Canonical Character Death, Daemons, F/M, Gen, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-27
Updated: 2016-09-27
Packaged: 2018-08-17 14:10:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,853
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8147029
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ohmytheon/pseuds/ohmytheon
Summary: It's never easy saying goodbye, especially to your best friend and brother, but whether or not he and his soul can take it, Roy is going to be there for his best friend's wife and daughter. Sometimes, simply knowing you're not alone is the only kind of comfort you need.





	

 

* * *

 

* * *

When the phone had gone dead on the other end that fateful night, Roy had felt as if his soul had been physically torn apart from him.

In a way, it had been. Shula had roared something awful and terrible after Roy shouted Hughes' name and then tore out of the room. She went farther from him than ever before, the pain too big for the both of them, and every inch of him had ached from the distance between them. He struggled to breathe just thinking about how far she'd gone from him and yet it hadn't been enough. Her grief had overwhelmed his fear and it had been nigh unbearable until Wojciech put his paws on the arms of Roy's chair and allowed Roy to wrap his arms around him and grasp onto him tightly. The wolf daemon had swallowed all his pain and radiated strength and trust.

And life - Wojciech had been life, his golden eyes practically glowing with it, and that one thing had kept Roy centered while he and Shula rode through the shock.

Maes Hughes was dead. Niamh would no longer barge in the middle of a conversation on the phone to chide Roy for being a perpetual bachelor. Hughes would no longer say something sly before slipping into a ridiculous rant about how much he loved his wife and daughter. Roy closed his eyes. Gracia and Elicia. His goddaughter had just turned three not too long ago. Stuck in Eastern, he hadn't been able to travel to Central City like he usually did for her birthday. He had to clench his fists together to keep from lashing out. He should've said, _"fuck it"_ and gone anyways. Why hadn't he gone?

The train ride to Central was long and torturous. Shula wasn't terribly fond of trains; they made her feel trapped. The compartments weren't made for people with large daemons, much less two large daemons, and their quarters were cramped. Roy didn't mind as much. He liked having Shula pressed up against him, her large head resting in his lap; he kept his fingers in her fur, if only so she wouldn't get up and try to uneasily prowl through the train. Wojciech laid in the middle at Riza's and Roy's feet, his tail wrapped protectively around Riza's ankle. Roy wanted desperately to hold onto Wojciech again, but it was too public of an area, so he had to settle for the few inches that separated them.

Once they reached Central, Shula hesitated upon stepping off the train, even though she always bounded off with relief. There was no Hughes to greet them like normal, no Niamh to swoop down and land on Shula's back and hoot cheerfully. Shula's claws dug at the concrete and she lowered her head, leading the way out of the station. Wojciech moved to walk next to her, but the lion daemon refused to acknowledge the wolf's presence. She was too hurt, closing herself off in a way that very much mirrored Roy. It didn't matter though. Both Wojciech and Riza knew how upset Shula was, even if she distanced herself.

They were already in their dress blues for the visitation and funeral. Riza only wore the military-issued skirt when she had to wear dress blues, but he hadn't even had the strength in him to comment on it.The distance between them and Riza's car felt as heavy as when Shula tested their bond. He kept a hand on Shula's back, silent and terse in the back seat as their driver and his hare daemon sat nervously up front. Shula had barely spoken a word since the phone call, even with him. It hurt, but he understood when he could barely muster conversation himself.

Once they were at the funeral home, Roy found himself faltering. He knew that he would have to go inside, but a large part of him didn't want to. The moment he stepped up to the casket, the moment he saw his best friend's body, it would be all too real. He wouldn't be able to avoid things any longer and he had trained himself to be so good at avoiding things. Hughes said that kind of behavior would bite him in the ass one day. Reality always snuck up on you when you least expected it.

Shula let out a low grumble from the back of her throat. When Roy felt a nudge in the back of his knees, he knew that it was Wojciech, warmth blossoming in his chest as Wojciech's and Riza's strength surged through him. He felt their pain too. Hughes hadn't been only Roy's friend. There had been many cold nights and hot days in Ishval between the three of them and Hughes had seen Riza at her lowest when both she and Roy needed help.

 _I'm the only person left alive to have seen Riza's tattoo,_ Roy thought to himself and it made him dizzy.

Taking a deep breath, he stepped into the building, the others following behind him. It was easy finding the room. All he had to do was followed the sounds of muffled voices and crying. Shula bristled at his side when they walked into the room and eyes swung in their direction. A few people flinched and even held their small daemons closer as she padded into the room. Larger by far than any of the daemons from Central, she cut a terrifying figure, especially with hooded eyes that warned everyone not to speak with her.

"Colonel," Major Alex Armstrong greeted solemnly, saluting him.

His bald eagle daemon sat elegantly on his shoulder, his talons digging into the careful, extra padding in Armstrong's uniform. Unable to look anything other than intense due to the sharpness of her eyes and profile, she looked down as she and Armstrong towered above them. "Shula," she said, her voice much softer than her appearance would suggest.

While Roy saluted in return and acknowledged Armstrong, Shula merely nodded her head and then looked away. Likely she struggled with the sight of another bird daemon, especially Armstrong's, who was often paired with Niamh and Hughes on missions. Roy didn't have to even think it for her to know that it would only get worse. Kleio was her name, if Roy remembered correctly. Shula was better at remembering daemon names than him. She was almost as impressive and large as Shula, but all Roy could think about was how she was so big compared to Hughes' Niamh. The two avian daemons had been an unusual but amusing pair, Niamh's personality sharper than Kleio's sweet soul.

Riza remained behind to speak briefly with Armstrong. Roy noted that the man's daemon refused to leave him and he often subconsciously reached up to pat her, likely as a source of comfort. After looking into Wojciech's soulful eyes, Roy took a breath and weaved his way through the crowd. People greeted him and he responded in turn, Shula silent at his side, but none of them were who he was looking for. He felt Shula's aggitation rise inside of him, a bundle of nerves that he feared would explode before the day let out, but then found the one person he needed to see.

As beautiful as ever, Gracia was a fixture on one side of the room, standing next to a picture of her and Hughes from their wedding, except instead of wearing white, she was wearing all black. His heart tumbled at the sight of her, noting her red cheeks and dark circles that she'd tried to hide with make up and tired eyes that she couldn't hide at all. There was a weak smile on her face as she shook hands and thanked another soldier for coming. Something hot and angry slipped from Roy to Shula. Gracia shouldn't have to thank people for coming to her husband's funeral. It was sick and thankless. There shouldn't be a funeral at all.

Before he could say anything though, Gracia caught sight of him and a mixture of relief and raw pain crossed her face. "Roy, you made it."

To be honest, Roy very rarely initiated physical contact. While he was certain that his mother and father had hugged him before they'd died, his foster mother hadn't been the hugging and kissing type. She had loved him, of course, raised him as her own, and smiled whenever he randomly threw his arms around her as a kid, but he had learned to distance himself from other people. A simple handshake would suffice. He couldn't even hug Riza anymore, no matter how much he wanted to sometimes. She had held him briefly after the call confirming Hughes' death came in and he had let her, wanting so much more.

But the sight of tears brimming in Gracia's red eyes and the choked greeting from her masked lovebird daemon made Roy cross the feet in between them and pull Gracia into a strong and warm hug. She wrapped her arms around him, seemingly grateful for the gesture, as it rocked the both of them back into reality. After all the handshakes and false smiles and gratitudes, it probably felt so damn good just to be treated like something that was close to breaking. Roy held onto her like she was the only thing saving him in the middle of a tornado and closed his eyes when he felt her shaking in his arms.

Esmond had to rock back on her shoulder to keep from bumping into Roy, but he didn't think about it as he held her. The lovebird daemon flittered from Gracia's shoulder and landed on the floor, looking wobbly from exhaustion and grief. So tiny compared to Shula, she toddled onto one of Shula's great paws as the lion laid down on the ground, as placid as a house cat. She rested her head as well, allowing Esmond to nuzzle against her cheek and jaw. Even Hughes had originally been nervous when the two daemons first met all those years ago, but Esmond was both trusting and fearless with Shula. It warmed Roy normally, but made him feel cold now. Him nuzzling into Shula was nothing compared to the way he'd nuzzle against Niamh and get his feathers all fluffed up.

"Gracia, I'm-" The words got stuck in Roy's throat though, and he couldn't get them out. He wasn't sorry. He was devastated; he was furious; he was in pain. How could he have let this happen? What had he gotten his best friend into? There was nothing in the world that he could say or do right now that would make things right.

He thought of Edward and Alphonse Elric and their desperate and hopeful plan to resurrect their mother via human transmutation. No, he couldn't even do that.

Opening his eyes as he pulled away, he was forced to watch as Gracia wiped the tears away from her eyes, messing up her make up again. He pulled out a handkerchief and handed it to her, but she merely held it against her chest for a moment as she gazed up at him. "They said..." She bit her lip and looked down at her hand. "They said he was making a call when he died."

All the air was sucked out of Roy's lungs, much like he would do whenever he manipulated the oxygen in the air to kill a fire. Shula tensed on the ground, which Esmond took note of. Instead of jumping away from her though, he stepped closer, where Shula could've opened her mouth and let him crawl right in. "Yes," Roy replied, his voice shockingly composed, "to me."

Gracia swallowed and looked up at him. "Did he...?"

Roy shook his head, the action almost too difficult for him. "I didn't hear anything. The line was disconnected."

No final words to be told to his mourning wife. Roy could only imagine that Hughes' last words had been about his beloved wife and daughter, considering how much he had enjoyed talking about her. He refused to believe anything else. At least his dying thoughts would be about something good in his life, something that he didn't regret and made the world brighter. Gracia didn't look so bright right now, but he couldn't fault her for that. The world felt a little dimmer without Hughes. Every time the phone rang before they left to Central, he half expected it to be Hughes to bother him and sneak him some information. No more phone calls, no more stories of what cute animal Elicia's daemon transformed into recently, no more harassing Roy to make an honest woman out of someone like he had.

Roy thought of all the times he'd gotten mad at Hughes and slammed his phone down and regretted every single one.

Unable to stop herself, Shula let out a little whine. It broke his heart to see her so bared open right now with her emotions.Gracia gazed down and sniffed, a watery smile on her face. "I know. I miss them too." Esmond twittered in agreement, bumping his head against Shula's nose before flying back up to rest in the palms of Gracia's hands. Roy could still remember with perfect clarity when Hughes told him that Gracia's daemon had allowed him to touch him. It was a few months before their wedding, but after he'd proposed.

 _"I hope you're able to experience this one day,"_ Hughes had told him. _"I knew I loved her with all my heart, but I've never felt so loved before. It made me feel like a new man - hell, I still feel like it."_

Roy's eyes drifted to Wojciech and Riza in the crowd, Wojciech's large size making it easy to find them. He had never told Hughes that he had touched Wojciech, never spoke a word of the night when he and Riza were innocent kids and he'd accidentally grabbed Wojciech and felt that solid shift inside of her soul. His fingers had been gripping Wojciech's soft fur the moment he settled into the form of a wolf. Roy never explained how everything he had thought he had known about daemons and how he felt about Riza had been changed forever in that moment - how it had elated him and terrified him at the same time.

God, why hadn't he told Hughes about that night? It would've tickled the man and his daemon pink. It would've made them laugh and cry and feel warm and sad. Why hadn't he opened up more to the man that was supposed to be his best friend?

"Mommy?"

The meager contents in Roy's stomach almost came up as his stomach flip-flopped upon hearing the small, childish voice at his right, but he forced himself to turn his gaze towards a woman, Gracia's younger sister, and the little girl at her side. Elicia was small enough to be capable of riding Wojciech and Shula around if daemon touching wasn't such an extreme taboo. When Shula stood up, she was taller than Hughes' little girl, who would always look up in amazement and beam at Shula. She made Shula feel...more, like there was something missing and Shula only felt complete with Elicia around. Roy tried not to think about that whenever it happened.

He couldn't help but think about it when that feeling didn't bloom in his chest or in Shula's mind.

The urge to run away again came to him instead, so strong in Shula that he jerked towards the door a little. Instead, he planted his feet in the ground and gave Shula a look that she was not to leave under any circumstances. She sat down on her haunches and turned her head away from him in shame.

"Hey, sweetheart," Gracia said as she leaned over to sweep Elicia into her arms. Her little Liron shifted into the form of a field mouse as he curled safely into her cupped hands. "Look who's here."

Elicia blinked with impossibly big eyes as she focused on Roy. They were still dry, not truly comprehending what was going on. He watched the way Liron peeked between her fingers and thought that her daemon might know more. "Uncle Roy."

Somehow, a faltering smile found its way onto his face. "That's right. Uncle Roy is here."

Once Liron shifted into a moth and fluttered to hide under the collar of her dress, Elicia held out her arms so that Roy could take her from Gracia. He did so hesitantly. Although she weighed practically nothing, holding her felt like the weight of the world was resting in his hands. She clung to him tighter than expected, but then it had been days since she'd last been held by her father. Roy was the closest she could get to her father, but he was a piss poor substitute, weak and wounded and nowhere near as good.

"Are you here to see Daddy?" Elicia asked.

The words nearly broke Shula's resolve. She twisted her head further, her entire body trembling. Gracia brought a hand to her mouth as she tried to hold in tears. All Roy could do was hold onto Elicia and smooth her hair down. "Yes," he told her, "and to see you and your mom."

"I miss Daddy," Elicia mumbled into his jacket. "He has lots of work, but he's never gone this long."

No, he was never gone for this long. Hughes was the kind of person you could call up at three in the morning if you needed something. He hated being pulled away from his wife and daughter, but he never begrudged you for it, only pulled on his boots and got to work. Roy tried to steady his breathing, but things were getting out of hand. He refused to break down right now, especially in front of Elicia and Gracia, who were suffering so much more, but it hurt, damnit, it hurt. Hughes would know what to say. He always knew what to say. He was so much better at comforting the ones he loved.

 _Niamh would say something witty to make Elicia giggle,_ Shula pointed out miserably. She couldn't though. She could barely speak, as if afraid of what might come out of her mouth if she did.

"I wish he was here," Roy forced himself to say, his voice no longer as steady. He didn't know how much longer he could bear this before he steeled himself again. He was so damn pathetic.

"All these people are Daddy's friends," Elicia said. Liron peered out from underneath her collar, his anteneas twitching. Whereas Elicia was loud and vibrant, Liron was still quiet and shy. He had never talked to Roy directly before, but that wasn't unusual. A lot of daemons didn't talk to other people. He was honestly grateful that Liron remained silent now; if he spoke, Roy was certain that it would overwhelm him. "But you're Daddy's best friend. Niamh said that Shula is a big, goofy cat that likes to scare other people, but she wasn't scared of her. I'm not scared of her either."

"Thank you, Elicia," Shula said quietly in a pained voice, the first words she had spoken aloud in almost a day. Elicia gave her a tired smile, likely exhausted from the confusing events of the past few days. "That...that means a lot to me."

Roy couldn't take it any longer, which Gracia appeared to sense. She took Elicia from him and then laid a gentle hand on his arm. He shook his head. "I'm sorry. I'll be right back-"

"You're fine, Roy," Gracia told him. "You're allowed to mourn."

Resisting the urge to rake his fingers through his carefully done hair, Roy dropped his gaze to his shoes. "He was your husband, father of your child."

"And he was your best friend, a brother even," Gracia pointed out, as Elicia had moments ago. "You loved him. This isn't a contest of who is allowed to be more upset." She pulled her hand away from him and held it against Elicia's back. "Don't cut yourself off. It'll only hurt you worse."

Shula relaxed at his side and her eyes flickered up at him. She had been trying to cut herself from Roy ever since that phone call, to shield him from amplifying his grief, but it had indeed only made things worse. If anything, her isolation had made him feel more alone than anything and it had forced Wojciech to step up into the hole that Shula had left. She leaned into his side, apologies singing through her mind, and he slid a hand over her head and down the nape of her neck. It felt good to be connected to her again. It made the world stop spinning, if only for a moment.

Swallowing the lump in his throat, Roy nodded his head and excused himself, once again slipping through the crowd until he left the room and found the nearest bathroom. He had to splash water on his face and stare at his hollowed reflection for a minute, centering himself, before he could deal with things. Shula made sure to stay in contact with him, even licking his wet hand that gripped the porcelein sink. When he stepped back into the hallway, Riza and Wojciech were standing nearby waiting for him, her fingers scratching behind his ears absentmindedly.

"Should've eaten on the train," Roy sighed. "I felt light-headed for a moment."

"Of course," Riza said, knowing damn well that he was lying. He mentally thanked her for not calling him out though. "Did you want to go back inside?"

Roy took a breath. "I still need to pay my respects."

"No one would say anything if you didn't go up there," Riza said quietly.

As much as he wanted to avoid it though, Roy knew that he couldn't. Hughes was dead. He needed to face that reality and he needed to do that by looking at his best friend's face one last time. Some said that people looked like they were sleeping when they were dead, but Roy knew for a fact that that was bullshit. You looked dead when you were dead, like something was missing and you were less of a person than before.

Riza ran a hand down Shula's back, barely more than the ghosting of a touch, but it was enough to calm his mind. He felt her strength, her warmth, her loyalty, her love - it felt it all radiate from the tips of her fingers all the way through Shula's body and into his. He felt her pain and her sadness and he wanted to take it all away from her, somehow absorb it through Shula via her touch. It took everything in him not to pull her into his arms or to kneel down to press his face into Wojciech's fur - he was so desperate for that contact - but for now, he took in all that she could give him as she soothed his soul.

Then, he would say goodbye his friend one last time.

* * *

 

**Author's Note:**

> riza hawkeye - northwestern wolf/northern timber wolf - wojciech (pronounced "VOI-chekh"): means "soldier" + "solace, comfort, joy"  
> roy mustang - african lion - shula: means "flame" in arabic  
> maes hughes - great horned owl - niamh (pronounced "NEEV"): means "bright" in irish, daughter of a sea god that fell in love with a poet  
> gracia hughes - masked lovebird - esmond: means "grace" + "protection"  
> elicia hughes - unsettled - liron: means "song for me" or "joy for me" in hebrew  
> alex louis armstrong - bald eagle - kleio: means "glory"


End file.
